Vanity is excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements.
I’m pretty sure that we all could point out vanity when we see it.
But can we really?
When do you know that you, or someone else, is vain? Is it based on perception? If it is, then we’re at the mercy of everyone else around us. What if some of those other peole are the jealous sort and they view everything you do as vain?
So, if other people’s perception isn’t a good gauge, then what? Let’s take a look at another definition:
Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
The difference between vanity and confidence might be whether or not you’re viewed as humble, but that’s also based on other people’s perception.
I’ve been re-reading Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s been more than 20 years since I read it last. Beyond a few key points, I didn’t retain the information, and I certainly haven’t been implementing much of it since leaving my former employer 11 years ago. But now, I am soaking it in. There are notes on nearly every page.
What does this have to do with vanity and confidence? A lot as it turns out.
Our perceptions shape who we are. Other people’s perceptions of us also do this. Sometimes, this is great! For instance, if someone perceives that I’m a hit-the-ground-running kind of person, and I happen to like that, then their perception feeds my self-esteem. If , on the other hand, their perception is that I’m vain, and I don’t like that, then I’ve got to work against that perception to accomplish things with them, and perhaps even with myself (if I believe their perception of me.)
Covey essentially calls this a social mirror. We see them everywhere. The question you must ask is, if you’re perceiving yourself as who you really are, or strive to be, or are you allowing the various perceptions others have of you to dictate your fate, your reactions, and your interactions?
One of the best ways to deal with social mirrors is to ground yourself in the knowledge of you. What does this mean? You need to know what you’re made of. What do you stand for? What lines can’t be crossed with you? This is all based on knowing your principles, core values, and eventually defining your goals (both short and long-term.)
You must become an expert about you.
This can become difficult when those closest to you can’t get past their perception of you, even as you’re making changes. In this case, you have a few options:
- Reduce the amount of time you spend around that person. The space might help them see how you’re changing.
- Eliminate the relationship. If it’s not feeding your soul, then you need to let it go. This isn’t exactly the easiest solution if that person is a family member. So, try the first suggestion for a while. You still might have to stop seeing the person, but at least you’ve spoken with them, and given them an opportunity to come with you on your new ride.
BONUS TIP: Think”duck.”. What? When it rains, water rolls off of a duck’s back. Learn to let go of other people’s negativity and their stuck perceptions. How? If you care about the relationship (it’s your mother, father, brother, sister) then counter every negative statement with a positive one. Generally this will exhaust them, once they catch on to what you’re doing. You also could try active listening. Either way, you’re probably going to need to reduce face time a little bit.
Above all, remember that change takes time. Other people’s perception of you, isn’t you, regardless of how you view their perceptions. What matters most is your view of yourself.
For my fellow writer friends, you can’t wait for someone else to tell you that you’re a good writer. You have to realize that on your own, and be willing to put in the work to get you there. How do you know when you’re ‘good enough?’ Well, for Janet Evanovich it was receiving her first $2000 advance in the mid-1980s. For you, it might be something else.
Vanity and confidence are two sides of the same coin based on people’s individual perceptions. This is my view of it.
What’s yours?
